I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
