woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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