I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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