I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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