My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
