never play flip cup with pint glasses
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
