Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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