Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Congratulations! We have a period
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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