I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
