Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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