I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
