That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
