dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
