Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
