My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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