Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My breasts were aching with rage.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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