This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
