This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
