I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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