I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
