you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
