I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
