I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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