Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
