Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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