We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
