Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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