and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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