so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
