you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
