How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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