Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
