I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
