The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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