I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
