I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
time to smoke my breakfast
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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