Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
