I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
