My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
