I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
