they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
