I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
