my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
