I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
