I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
