Your dad touched me again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
