Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
