I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize