Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
