Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm too high and old for this...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize