just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
