So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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