One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Farmville is her only friend.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
