my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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