Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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