I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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