i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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