i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think my vagina is haunted
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the liver wants what the liver wants
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize