I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
