if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
