So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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