Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Did I show you my penis last night?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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