hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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