Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
