too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
