my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just pee around me
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
