I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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