i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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