I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
